Secret

Hello, It's me

    It has been a little while since I have last blogged. Not much is new. I'm still stuck with the debilitating habit of binging. After five healthy days I went on a three day binge, and here I am. I did not binge today though, and on the brighter side of things, I feel really good today. Although I relapsed,  I still have a much better understanding about myself. I went five days without binging, and I should give myself credit for that. I feel that this newfound knowledge I have accumulated over the past several weeks is somehow empowering me, and I will do better this time around. I have to accept that it is only natural to give in during the first stages of recovery. I learned that this takes real effort on my part, and more importantly, I learned I must love myself enough to do this.

    I had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning. After three days of scarfing down food I didn't exactly feel motivated to show myself to the world. I eventually made myself do something, and so I cleaned. Cleaning relaxes me and helps me transition into the other segments of my day. After I cleaned I felt good enough to study some Anthropology. I read my text while lounging in the sun. I figured if I had to study, may as well try and get some colour on my skin. I have surprisingly been wearing my bathing suit lately, which is a huge step for me. In the evening I went for a well-needed run, and it felt amazing. And now when I look at myself, I feel that despite giving into my urges I have gotten more in shape. I'm not sure if its because my exercising is actually paying off despite my binging, or if I am finally seeing the real me without the distorted image that has deceived me for many years. Either way, I like it.

So, I will try again, and now that I am becoming stronger I feel I can improve. Essentially, I must not hate myself for making a mistake; I will try and gently steer myself in the right direction.

-Selma