The child at the candy store
It is only day 2 of not binge eating and I am already having massive urges to binge. The weird thing is that I wasn't even in a bad mood when these urges began. As soon as I denied myself the permission to binge eat, all the sudden my mood turned into that of a 5 year old who was denied a chocolate bar in a candy store. "Why can't I have it? I want it!" screams the restless child inside me. Theres a part of me that still doesn't quite know whats best for me.
I just went shopping today and although I only by the healthiest of health foods that one could possibly find in a grocery store, I can still create a very unhealthy binge. I love to bake, but I always give it away. If I were to keep any baked goods remotely close to me, they wouldn't even stand a chance. Although I am able to keep myself from stuffing down all my baked creations, I still always have brown sugar and margarine at hand. In my book of binge eating, these two ingredients can be added to virtually anything while binging. I have even heated up tortilla wraps and smeared margarine and brown sugar all over them, rolled them up, and ate them like jelly rolls. Who does that? Trust me, I have even thought of more bizarre foods then that in the midst of a binge.
I'm always trying to analyze my emotions whenever I feel the need to binge and try to address them in a more healthy matter. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But what if I'm not feeling any particular bad emotions and still have a strong need to binge? Well, lets look at it a little more scientifically this time. I have been binge eating every day for the past week. I'm overloading my body with refined sugars. Now that I have stopped yesterday and today, my body is craving those refined sugars. It is a drastic change to suddenly stop overwhelming my system with bad sugars and my blood sugar is probably a little out of wack. It almost feels like a withdrawal which makes perfect sense since I am a food addict after all.
So I'm going to gently tell my inner restless child "No" too over eating and if she asks "Why not?" I'll reply..."You'll understand later"
-Selma
06/06,2009, at 15:16
Visit deb
Selma,
Give yourself credit. 2 days without bingeing is progress. Remember your ed didn't happen in a vacuum or overnight so it's not going to go away over night. Each time you defeat the urge the binge the stronger you become against ED and the weaker ED becomes. Of course your body is all out whack right now. You are going withdrawal. ED's are like drug addictions and when we suddenly stop the addiction our body goes into shock mode like what the hell are you doing to me. Your body will stabilize and the cravings with become less and less. I have bulimia really bad for 2 years and I was able to overcome the bulimia by following a meal plan eating small meals throughout the day so that I wouldn't become hungry and want to binge. I also avoided white flour and white sugars. I ate olny natural sugars(fruit), protein, vegetables and whole grains. As I got the bulimia under control I allowed myself a small portion of things that made me binge for example cereal, ice cream, chocolate but only in small amounts and I incorporated into my meal plan. I also stayed off the scale. You don't want to get caught up in the numbers game. You will become obsesed with the scale. I cannot tell you how many scales I broke by throwing them against the wall. I also join Overeater's Anomymous..not sure if you have a group in your area but this helped me so much with my bulimia as I was able to have a sponsor who helped me through the rough times and thd good time. Remember just give your ED to GOD and he will take it from you. Also, are you seeing a couselor for this? I currently am seeing one and she has helped me figure out what triggers my ED. I will pray for you. Hang in there. I know it's frustrating and fighting the battle and you are going to feel emotions as you stop the bingeing as this is just a symptom of something else that is wrong inside of you. Try to think when you want to binge what you are feeling and what triggers it. Right now I think you want to binge because ED is fighting you back because you had 2 days without bingeing. DON'T GIVE POWER TO ED. He wants to bring you down. These are only suggestions of what has helped me. I hope this helps a little bit. Be gentle with yourself and take it one hour at a time.
Love,
Deb
06/06,2009, at 18:01
Visit eliz28
wow, i can so relate to what you are saying. also, once i taste something the littlest bit yummy, my inner child starts screaming for more. but we have to remember like a real child wanting a pacifier, a child doesn't use a pacifier for ever and we don't have to use food forever either. it is our choice and at first it will not be easy to restore our inner balance and creat new healthy habits but it is possible with determination. we all have the will power to do so.
and thank you for your posts, you too are a wise woman with much strength.