Secret

    Two  whole weeks without binge eating. Because it's been nearly three years since I've gone this long without binging, I was beginning to think I'd never make it this far in my recovery. Although this is only the beginning steps of my journey, I take great pride in the success I've made so far. I still can't believe it. My stomach is already recovered from the months if intense eating and abuse during last summer. The bloating has gone down enough that I can fit into the pants I bought last year. With congratulations aside, I want to share this difficult journey I've been on for the past two weeks. 

     The first week went by with a bliss of new beginnings and motivation. It was easy to stay away from bing eating since I was ready to take action. When the "newness" of my binge-free life began to ware off during the second week, the temptation to eat really started to occupy my mind and my emotions. In the second week, I contemplated binge eating every single night. I would come up with the most idiotic excuses to splurge. Anything to justify a binge. There has even been some dangerous close calls. About two days ago I went into the kitchen and grabbed two full boxes of granola bars, and took them back to my room. At this point, I felt surly I was defeated. As I began to open the first wrapper I reconsidered, and placed the granola bars back in the cup bored. A rush of victory spread over me like wild fire. I said no! Finally some dicipline is returning into my life. I feel an unexplained inner strength inside me.

    The urge to binge seems to come in waves, like the perpetual tide of a raging sea. Sometimes I would have to resist a binge on three to five different occasions in one evening. I have to admit, this is really quite exhausting. Steering clear of an addiction that's constantly luring me in takes a lot out of me. 

    I have a long ways to go. The second week was hard, but I don't expect it to get much easier for a while. The fact that I've gone two weeks without bing eating has given me hope to carry on, but I must not let my guard down. I'm going home to visit my mom in a couple of hours. This could be catastrophic for my recovery, and perhaps I should of declined visiting her. However, if I can stay binge free at my mom's house,then I can handle nearly any other scenario when it comes to binge eating. I ask for your prayers as I spend the weekend at my mom's. There will be a wealth of temptation waiting for me there. Next Friday, I want to write in my blog that I've gone three weeks binge free. I would be so proud of myself.

It's been over a month since I've blogged. My summer wasn't very progressive. I was getting stoned and binging, keeping myself stuck in that same place. When I started university it diddn't get much better. I was stressed about encountering new peers, and mainting old friendships that have become weak.

Dispite my lack of progress over the summer, I am proud to announce that I have gone 12 days without binge eating. It has been over a year since I have accomplished this. Although I was binging all summer, I was discovering so many new things about myself. Now, I am finally applying all this new information, and it's working so far.  I realized how wrong I was doing things in the past. Before, I would put myself on skimpy diets as a means to combat my eating disorder and lose weight.. I would binge from starvation, and continue to binge for days after. This is the result from not having the knowledge as to how much I should be eating. So much more makes sense to me now.

Last week, my friend and I decided to go out for a drink. I had a rum and diet coke. Afterwards, I went to her house where I had a peice of McCaine frozen cake, and a couple of scoops of frozen yogurt. Since I have strayed from my new healthy diet, on the way home I was already planning all the food I was going to binge on. I thought, since I already ate something fatty, I may as well put on a movie and pig out. When I got home, I contemplated what I wanted to do, and I said no. Instead, I made a cup of tea and went to bed. For the past three years I haven't been able to stop after having a treat. Usually something very yummy would set me over the edge, and I wouldn't stop until I was unbearably full. I was so proud of myself for stopping. I considered the piece of cake a treat for that week. 

I know I face a long journey ahead. Every night I have to tell myself stop myself. This time does feels so much different though. I feel as if I cracked a code of some sort. I am eating wonderful full meals, instead of the dangerous crash diets I would keep forcing on myelf. I'm exercising, but not pressuring myself to do too much, and stopping when I need to. In my day planner, I marked down each week I have gone binge free. Whenever I have the urge, I look at those dates and it encourages me not ruin my progress.  

Finally I feel this is possible. I can finally rest at night. This Friday will be two weeks binge free, which hasn't happend in two years. I can fight this. 

I had some of my fellow students judge me. They assumed that I wasn't practicing my instrument, and they were just absolutely "baffled" that I didn't have a summer job this summer. 

Do I need to justify my summer to anyone? Do I have to answer to anyone to prove that I'm not irresponsible? Do they have a clue in hell about how my summer was spent? How dare they assume so much and treat me like a degenerate useless kid. I hate them right now. I wish I could say this to both of them:

    Wow, I'm glad you spent your summer so wisely. It sure sounds like your successes  have succeeded beyond me. congratulations. Maybe if you step down from your ivory tower you would be able to see that I have been working towards my own goals without spending my summer exactly like how you decided to spend yours. How about you try taking university courses for 12 months straight without a break. Is that not responsible? Is that not astute enough for you? And of course I don't expect you to realize that I have been battling a debilitating eating disorder for the past four years. Maybe that's why you should not be so quick to judge. I wish I was like the lucky few in this town who were able to have a job this summer. Don't you dare assume that I did not try. And by the way, you do not even have to pay for your education, so how 'bout you try putting yourself through university and then write me and tell me how easy your life is then. You think you are wise and great musicians, but we are all students who are learning. None of us is great. Do you know what it's like to lose the passion for something you love? Take your advice and choke on it for all I care.

... I am more angry about this than I first realized. I know this is very immature on my part, but it just got to me. I work so hard, and yet I am surrounded by pious people who put me down. One thing I do know is that I should not rely on the opinions of others to make me feel good about myself, and that is why I must let this go. I find that writing fictitious letters to the people who upset you really helps in times like these. I feel a little better now. This morning, I am going on a run with my friend. I am going to have a great day. I'm going to complete a lot, and feel great about myself. :) I'm sorry you guys have to read through my venting! But I'm sure you all understand. 

I haven't posted in a while... I guess there isn't much to tell. I wanted to use this summer to better myself, and now there is only a month left. I accomplished nothing. I was given the opportunity to take time for myself. I only took the time to sabotage my body as well as my goals... What have I done here.

My boyfriend visited me last weekend. We had a great time. Our love is so strong that we almost can't grasp the concept of it. Yet, we're also just two kids having a good time. Can this balance possibly exist? It seems to be working so far. The one question that consistently nags at the back of my mind is; How can I love him so much if I fail to love myself?

Have I grown? I feel that every time I take a little step forward, I end up taking two giant leaps back. My desire to become a better person feels like anguish. Anguish because I keep ruining the little progress I make. 

I don't know if my habits have gotten worse, or if the consequences of my actions have become more clear to me. Am I digging a deeper hole for myself or am I now realizing the deep pit that I'm in? I don't know. I really don't know myself at all, apparently. 

What is my next course or action? I can't answer that either. I guess I'll keep running around in circles. I guess I'll keep chasing this dream.

You haven't enabled your comment box yet, so we aren't able to comment on your blog. Therefore, I decided to dedicate an entire blog to you.

First I would like to tell you that, yes, I would like to correspond with a nutter, and yes, I feel your pain. 

I can tell from your blogs that you find it irritating when people try to help you. I am the exact same way. In fact, I haven't told anybody in my life about my binge eating disorder for that very reason. Having people, and strangers at that, probing my brain and my emotions to fix me isn't my cup of tea, so to speak. I'm glad you joined this site as a venue to be completely honest about your feelings in a more comfortable environment. 

You mentioned that your family is affected by your eating disorder. I know your love your family, but recovering from an eating disorder has to be done for your self, and of your own choosing only. The desire to overcome anorexia is solely for yourself and your well-being, not for anyone else. Ask yourself what you really want out of life, and forget about everyone else who is pressuring your to recover. It is only your own will and desire that will heal you in the long run. 

I understand that you have spent a lot of time hospital, and probably heard a lot of professionals spitting out advice to you. If you want to recover, try and take advantage of the help you are receiving. I really wish you all the best Mimma. Continue to post blogs.

I hope posting this blog didn't make you feel uncomfortable in any way, I just felt compelled to comunicate with you and let you know that I care.  

-Selma

I feel that my recent recovery strategy that I mentioned in my previous blog may be working well. Perceiving my progress on a smaller and less intimidating scale seems manageable. Weekly goals rather than permanent goals is far less daunting, although, it may be too soon to tell. All I know is that this week so far seemed easy. I will find out in a few weeks if I wish to keep this strategy as a way to eventual permanent recovery.

It frustrates me that I'm not able to get my life in order. I have improved in some ways, but only scarcly. What I often wonder is if I am too hard on myself, or not hard enough. I wonder if I am allowing myself to not take responsibility, or if I am pushing myself to take on too much at once. These are opposing concepts and I still can't tell the difference. I know what I need to do to recover and become the person I want to be. I can sit here and type all the activities and goals that I should be doing, and even the ways to go about them, and still I can't see the results I would like to see. If you have read previous blogs of mine, you can tell I have a grasp on what I need to do. So what is the hold up? I feel like there is something missing in this equation. Someimtes I come to the conclusion that I am simply lazy, and am not making the effort to take the necessary steps I so often preach about.

On that note, I have nothing else left to do but try something different. I have a few ideas that can help me progress:

One of them is meditation. I will take an hour before bed to meditate in complete silence. I have heard meditating can be very thereaputic and benificial. And why not try it? I think in the least it will help me center myself, and bring me some peace of mind.  

My next step is to tell my mom about my eating disorder. This will be extemely emotional and difficult to do, but I have felt inclined to talk to her about it for some time. What I would really like to do is call her each week, and tell her my progress. It would be nice to talk to someone about this regularly. Also, when I visit my moms house, I feel that I won't binge as much if she knew about my problem.

I will set smaller obtainable goals. One of my biggest downfalls is that I have a tendancy to have an "all of nothing" approach. I'm sure you all can relate. I will only set goals one week at a time. I decided to pick Saturday as the beginning of my week. This week so far, (starting from last Saturday the 11'th) I have only binged once. If I can go until next Saturday the 18th without binging, I'll be content with that, and very proud of myself. Binging once in a whole week is very good. By looking at my progress in this way, I feel that I can actually acheive my goals. It is less daunting and puts less pressure on my recovery process. I will also be setting other goals each week that I feel will make me become more the person I want to eventually be. 

I will continue to go to the gym, and also incorporate outdoor activities to keeo me active. 

I would really like your input on this. What are some things that you have done that has helped? A particular activity perhaps? What are some good ways to fight against the "all or nothing" approach? And lastly, do you find that my ideas in this blog would help? I know that we are all trying to recover, but I think each one of us has found little things that help. That would be much appreciated :)

    I have been spending a lot of time with a new friend lately. We have been acquaintances for a long time, and decided to to build a friendship together. She is intelligent, passionate, and down to earth. She is very inspiring, and I am lucky to have this friendship with her. Sometimes I look at her and almost feel a pinch of jealousy. She has goals, real goals. It seems as though she is on the right path, and that she will surly go far in life. This jealousy quickly fades away because she is such a good hearted person that she doesn't deserve any resentment from me. When people like this come into my life, I feel a little more motivated to challenge myself and improve.

    I haven't binged for two days. It is extremely hard this time because I have binged for nearly the past three weeks before hand. Yesterday, my new friend and I went on an 8 hour hike up a mountain. It was very intense and there were so many times when I thought I wouldn't make it. When we arrived to the top, I felt and overwhelming feeling of empowerment and liberation. I couldn't believe that I accomplished the entire hike. The view was spectacular. I felt like I could almost touch God himself from up there. 

    As a result of yesterdays hike, I am very sore and tired. It isn't a bad thing. My muscles are repairing and becoming stronger. Unfortunately, this is the time when I have the urge to binge the most. I am very tired, and too sore to walk anywhere. On top of that, it is raining outside. I feel like eating copious amounts of comfort food and watching movies all day...Pancakes.. I would kill for a stack of pancakes.

    I talked to my boyfriend yesterday. I was losing my mind because I could not get a hold of him. I spent Friday night binging and balling my eyes out, thinking something has happened. It turned out his phone broke, and he had to buy another one. Talk about over reacting! Devan is growing and maturing so nicely. He is figuring out his place in the world. His development is outstanding, and I am so proud of him. I now know for sure that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The only problem right now is that he is far away, and will have to be for a while. It isn't so bad. I can still see him about once a month, which is better then what other couples have. However, it is situations like these when my mind becomes my worst enemy. I begin to over analyze everything. I completely trust him, but there is still a fear of losing him. I have to relax.

    I should do something today. I have a term paper that I must do, but I just don't have the energy. I'm torn because I know that I can't stay here, in the comfort of my home. My urges are becoming more powerful by the minuet. I should go somewhere and do something.